I felt high after my last post.
It actually worked, this E-Squared business, and I couldn’t wait to try the next experiment. I spent a day just BE-ing and it felt amazing. I was ready to call up a tattoo shop and get’er done. I felt more present and open. I felt free from the long list of things that I had felt splitting me apart… the to-do list still existed, but I had really only one assignment.
Be. In each moment.
I was like Maria in the Sound of Music. Heart full, skipping down a path with my guitar in one hand and carpet bag in the other, singing with gusto…
I have confidence in sunshine!
I have confidence in rain!
I have confidence that spring will come again!
Besides which you see I have confidence in me!
Strength doesn’t lie in numbers!
Strength doesn’t lie in wealth!
Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumbers!
When you wake up — Wake Up!
Butterflies fluttered and birds sang. I was super happy, people.
I quickly ate up the next chapter or Pam Grout’s book, E-squared…. ready for my next experiment!
And that is when I was clotheslined. Hardcore TKO. Maria, sprawled in the dirt unconscious. I don’t remember that part of the movie, but that is what happened. Yeow. Just typing the words, my heart beats painfully in my deeply bruised chest.
So the last few days I have had to regain consciousness, and access the injuries. When life clotheslines you, it is natural to ask, why? I didn’t have the words at first. But yesterday, and today, the why has come.
“WHY!!!!??????” (Shakes fist at the sky)
I forgot about E-Squared. I forgot about almost everything but the hurt. Just Be. In the hurt. It has taken all of me to not curl into a ball and turn this hurt into a hard nugget of anger, a stone that I would carry with me forever. That was my old pattern. And I am trying so hard to stop that. But what do I do with this hurt? How do we deal with grief?
I found this on my Facebook page, posted by Cheryl Richardson on Sunday.
“Today I invite grief in. I welcome its teachings, its benevolence, and its ability to connect me with my vulnerable, tender heart. After all, that tenderness is important. It’s the aliveness we all secretly long for every single day of our lives…”
Then, I decided to listen to a good, uplifting radio show. Something to boost me up, hold me a tiny bit higher than the lowest vibration. A caller called in with a question for the guest doctor on the show that could have come right out of my own mouth. About being clotheslined. About my hurt. The answer was so uncanny, so exactly what I needed to hear that my husband, who walked into the kitchen as the host was giving the answer turned to me and asked if I manifested this radio program.
Huh…. did I?
We went to meet an incredibly inspiring woman, Colleen Alexander, and her husband on Sunday. It was the first time we have met, and she brought me a book…an unexpected gift… Your True Home by Thich Nhat Hanh. I was touched by her story and bravery and sensitivity. I tucked it in my bag after we said our goodbyes.
Last night, Lydia woke with a terrible nightmare. She was out of sorts this morning, being sassy and angry, over reacting, and was in tears by the time she got into the car to go to school. I tried wrapping her in love as I pulled up to the curb, sending it back to her from the drivers seat. But she jumped out of the car and slammed the door, and took a few angry steps to walk away, looking dark and sad. And then she ran to me, and I opened the car door and pulled her to my lap and held her. I suddenly asked her about her nightmare. It felt relevant in this moment. She said she dreamt that someone took me… stole me. Her fear was real and still present in her eyes. I hugged it away, reassured her that I would kick anyone’s butt that tried to take me away. I pulled away from her, and said it again, but this time I gave her a delicious pebble of emphasis… “I would kick their ASSES Lydia.” She smiled then, and went to school. Lydia has always been the mirror, reflecting me…
Then it was off to work, and I exchanged a smile with the kind cashier as she expressed concern for me, saying I didn’t seem like myself. Am I really this transparent? So I sat with my coffee and the book Colleen gave me and asked the FP (the field of infinite possibilities) to give me a healing message from the book to help me. I opened it, and this is what it said:
Come Back To Yourself
“Most people are afraid to come back to themselves, because that means having to face the pain inside of them. With the practice of mindfulness, the situation changes. We come back to our pain, but now we are well equipped with the energy of mindfulness that has been generated by mindful breathing and by meditation. We use that source of energy to recognize and embrace our pain.”
Ok. So I was clotheslined. It happened. And then I brought a whole slew of healing messages and moments into my life to help me hold the hurt. I am going to choose differently than I have before, when feeling broken by something in my life. I think I am realizing how powerful we all are. In the sense that I called in these healing moments, I also called in the branch that knocked me out…left my inner Maria reeling from a lesson that needed to play out. But, oh LORD how it can hurt, this business of reaching for wholeness.
I just re-read the second experiment in E-Squared. The Volkswagon Jetta Principle. This is what it claims:
You Impact the Field and Draw from It According to Your Beliefs and Expectations
I read this for the first time last thursday, just an hour before I hit that branch. And reading it now, it is funny how the incident, the pain, the clothesline… it demonstrates this principle in the most absolute possible terms. It exposed to me in no uncertain terms how powerful we are…when we are looking for messages of love and support and healing, they come. When we are looking for messages to confirm our deepest fears and insecurities, betrayal and rejection… they come too. And our intention can not direct what others are manifesting in their own lives.
Because of the seriousness of the injury and the obvious way I feel this principle was shown to me, the actual experiment seems funny. But I will participate in it, if only to give me more time to breathe and come back to myself.
So here it is, the Lab Report Sheet. Once again, for clarification, the words in red come from Pam Grout’s book, E-Squared. The words in black, are mine.
LAB REPORT SHEET
The Principle: The Volkswagon Jetta Principle
The Theory: You impact the field and draw from it according to your beliefs and expectations.
The Question: Do I really see only what I expect to see?
The Hypothesis: If I decide to look for sunset beige cars and butterflies, I will find them.
Time Required: 48 hours
Today’s Date: Tuesday, November 12, 2013 Time: 10:25 am
The Approach: According to this crazy Pam Grout girl, the world out there reflects what I want to see. She says that it’s nothing but my own illusions that keep me from experiencing peace, joy and love. So even though I suspect she’s cracked, today I’m going to look for orange cars. Tomorrow, I will look for purple hats.
a. Number of orange cars observed _________
b. Number of purple hats observed _________
Here we go. Breathe. Be. And play seek and find.
“You will not break loose until you realize that you yourself forge the chains that bind you.”
-Arten in The Disappearance of the Universe, by Gary Renard